Last week on Married With Children:
Al and Bud were being hunted by killers from two different towns...
... each wanting to kill them in their respective villages.
Bud was warned by some new friends.
You will die in the morning.
And if things aren't bad enough, their only hope of rescue is Kelly.
Marcie and Jefferson have sought salvation elsewhere.
Bad Americans.
And for you Buck fans...
Would it have killed them to pay an extra dollar so I could eat?
And now, Married With Children continues.
Hang them high Hang them high
Hang them till they thirst and die
Hang them high Hang them high
Hang them till they thirst and die
I welcome you all here on this wonderful Lower Uncton afternoon...
...to witness the deaths of the hated Bundy males.
Their excruciating deaths will usher in...
...a new era of prosperity and sunlight...
...on this peaceful village.
Kill! Kill! Kill!
Listen to them, Peg.
They're chanting "Al, Al, Al." Just like my old Polk High School days.
These people have been so nice. During my speech...
...I'm throwing in an old football story.
Why don't you tell them about your 3.25 an hour?
That'll wow them.
You're just jealous because I'm a god here.
Watch this.
How do you like that, babe?
They'll stop screaming when you lower your arms, Al. Most people do.
Heavy is the head that wears your mother, son.
Dad, don't you sense there's something wrong here?
I'm not talking about the ghosts who danced around my room...
...removing their heads and telling me to get out.
I mean, haven't you noticed it's daytime and yet there's no sun?
Time to go.
Sorry, madam, no women allowed.
Well, thank God they don't have that attitude in Paris.
Son, I could die a happy man right now.
Al Bundy, have you any words for the assembled villagers here?
My people...
...today I feel like the luckiest man on the face of the earth.
As you know, I played high school football.
I was great.
And I know you kids out there would like to be just as great as I was...
...but beware.
There's a killer out there. A temptation.
It infests your country the same as mine.
It'll eat up your money and your will to live.
I know you've heard about it before, but you can't hear about it enough.
Kids, please just say no to marriage.
Dad, I've got a gut feeling they're gonna kill us.
I'm trying to talk here, son.
- Football builds men. - Enough of this football drone.
Kill them!
Kill them. Kill them. Kill them. Kill them.
Son, I'm beginning to think you were right.
Forsooth, woodsmen, spare those men.
Fear not, Daddy, there's no business like show business.
Hi-yo Silverware, away!
Well, I just saved your worthless hides...
...and I think I deserve a hearty "Good job, Kelly, thank you."
You might have gotten a nice thank you...
...if you didn't say we'd travel faster if we lightened the load...
...then unhitched the horse.
Well, he did go faster, didn't he?
So should we, because here they come.
Kill the Bundys! Kill the Bundys! Kill the Bundys! Kill the Bundys!
They've stopped.
We must be safe.
Well, we are safe. A man told me to bring you here.
What man?
That man...
...holding a gun and pointing it at us with a whole load of townspeople.
Don't worry, Al.
Whatever happens, I'll be right by your side.
The women are free to go. We only want to kill the men.
Have a nice life, Al.
I hope your death is less painful than your life. Bye, Daddy.
Hey.
Come over to our side. Your death will be quicker.
No. Come to our side.
At least we won't eat you afterwards.
That is an ugly rumor started by people who are jealous.
Besides, it's dark over here.
We couldn't tell. It's hard to know what we're eating.
- Why aren't they killing us, Dad? - I don't know, son.
We must be on the borderline.
Right, then. I'll settle this.
Now then, come over here or your wife and daughter are through.
You fool, that didn't work with the other Bundys, either.
All right, we'll just wait them out.
Thank you.
It was really nice meeting you. Thanks.
Thanks.
Thanks for such a good time.
Now, you really must come to America and experience our theatre.
Jefferson, come on.
I'm sick of the theatre, Marcie. Let's go get something to eat.
There's a place across the street. The Whipped Puppy.
Sounds good to me.
Now listen, I have wired my mother for money...
...but this was the only address I had...
...so I guess we'll just have to sit and wait.
But that could take hours. What are we gonna do in the meantime?
Bad Americans?
Bad Americans.
Dad, I just want to say it was brave of you to say:
"Take me and let the boy go free."
I didn't say that, son.
Don't you think it would be a good time to do it?
Why would I say that?
What better way to die than with my only son?
I love you, Dad.
Yeah, right.
But I feel this is the right time for a final father-son chat.
Great. Much better than my dream of dying in the saddle.
Don't make me push you off the borderline.
I won't be able to die in peace...
...until I've been able to pass down the accumulated wisdom of my lifetime.
So listen, son, and listen good.
Never mind.
We're getting nowhere.
Let's just beat them with clubs and see which side they collapse on.
Oh, no. What if one of them fell your side and one of them fell our side?
Be in a fine pickle then, wouldn't we?
I'm sure we could work out something mutually beneficial.
Oh, right.
We have them killed on your side and you promise to share.
But you won't, will you? You can't trust a light-dweller.
- Moon people. - Sun people.
Maybe we're taking rather a narrow view of this.
Maybe we should be looking at it from the point of view of true entrepreneurs.
All right, look, it's the grave of the Bundy...
...whose death ended a 400-year-old curse.
That's gotta be worth a little bit.
- Custard sales. - Right.
Banners.
"My Dad saw Al Bundy killed and all I got was this lousy T-shirt" T-shirts.
I love it.
- Partners. - Partners.
Peace has been found after all these years.
Kill them.
Wait, wait, guys, before you shoot, I just want to say one thing.
The blond over there is a boy.
Come on. It's not that dark over here, lad.
Well, excuse me.
While we're all in such a jovial mood, may I offer just a little suggestion?
See, I think a great idea would be...
...pretending to have killed the last Bundy.
Yes, well, I'm sure something could be worked out.
I mean, we're not barbarians.
We're not the French.
Well, I demand vengeance.
Shamus McBundy insulted my great-great-great-grandmother...
...and I want revenge.
Hey, I'll buy you an Orange Julius in London, buddy.
That's a brilliant idea. Okay.
Igor, you kill the big one and in a typical rush of English bloodlust...
...we all kill the rest of them.
Wait a second. That's not fair.
I was once a mighty athlete and I demand to go out like a man.
All right. What about a medieval joust?
Just think of the promotional possibilities.
Buttons. Fanny packs. Videotapes for the spectators.
Hey, Igor. Before you kill him, try and do something funny with him.
Then we can sell a separate wacky blooper reel.
Oh, Al, do it. I love those.
A medieval joust it is then.
They will fight to the death in Upper Uncton.
Why Upper Uncton?
Well, we could hardly film ever in your village, now could we?
Was that another "dark" crack?
Let's not get testy. We've got a man to kill.
- Al, I'm afraid. - Don't worry, babe.
This Igor don't look too tough to me.
Well, it's not him I'm worried about.
They're gonna be filming and I left my bright-sun makeup in the castle.
And you guys thought you were cursed.
I can't believe my life depends on Dad's ability to joust.
Well, it's better that than his ability to earn a living.
And besides, who says Igor's any good at this jousting stuff?
So long, Tiny Toon.
Come on, Al. It's time to go.
What could that man be doing in there?
I think he's getting into his battle gear.
Let's joust.
Al, honey, before your death...
...I mean, certain victory...
...there's really something that I must say to you.
What is it, babe?
Do you have our return tickets?
You know, just in case you lose them during your victory dance.
Don't worry about me, babe, I played high school football.
Besides, if I should die...
...it will comfort me greatly to know you'll be stuck here for life.
Wish me luck, kids.
What good would it do?
Pumpkin, what do you have to say?
Daddy's dying.
Well, that's comforting.
Let the tournament commence.
Pennants. Get your Igor pennants.
Get your "I saw Al Bundy die" T-shirts.
Here you are, sir, one for the lady wife. Here you go.
A couple for the kiddies. Lovely, smashing.
That's it.
Ladies and gentlemen...
...let's get ready to rumble!
Welcome to the thumping in Upper Uncton.
On my left...
...five-time all-European undefeated jousting champion...
...going by the name of...
...Igor "The Truth" Deathshire.
And on my right...
...from the Windy City of Chicago...
...USA...
...Al "Stink-foot" Bundy.
When I say begin, begin.
Begin.
Go back to England, Igor.
- I can't look. How's he doing? - He's doing great.
What do you mean, Dad's doing great?
Dad? I thought you meant Igor.
Okay.
Enough Rope-a-Dope.
Let's rock.
Now for the death blow.
Next time you play a man's game, wear a man's uniform.
And the next time you insult an American...
...make sure he didn't play high school football.
Now let's rock.
You stink, Bundy.
You did it! You did it! It was so great.
- Oh, Al. - Well, this is a fine how-do-you-do.
What do we do now?
Well, I suppose we'll just have to flip a coin to see which side we kill him on.
Look, it's the sun. It's coming out over Lower Uncton.
The curse must have been lifted when Bundy defeated Igor.
Hooray for Al Bundy!
Oh, Al.
This is terrible.
We've always prospered as a tourist attraction.
"The town next to the land of darkness." Now we have nothing.
What about us? I mean, now you can see. Look.
We've got no crops. There's no paint on the stores.
We're just a couple of little burgs in the middle of nowhere.
We can't sell any T-shirts now.
We can't even sell the bloody video we made.
He's ruined everything, he has.
- Let's kill him. - Why not?
Let's kill the whole bloody lot of them.
Vacation's over.
Thank your father, kids.
- Thanks, Dad. - Thanks, Dad.
Americans coming through. Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse us.
- Americans coming through. - Move.
- Excuse us. Excuse us. - Move.
- Excuse us. - Excuse me, pardon me.
Americans coming through. Excuse us... Oh!
- Hi, you made it. - Hi.
- So how did you enjoy London? - Oh, it was great, Peggy.
We managed to take in a lot of... theatre.
Oh, my goodness.
Someone has switched our luggage...
...and given us many erotic forms of punishment.
But rather than hold these good people up, we'll be glad to pay the duty.
Do you have anything to declare?
Yes. My husband is an idiot.
- Come on, kids. - Mom, what happened to Dad?
He got caught stealing a hotel towel. Like he'll ever use it.
- What do you think they'll do to him? - Oh, please, it's a hotel towel.
What can they do?
What are you in for?
Stole an ashtray from the Ritz.
- You? - Towel from the Savoy.
- What do they feed you in here? - Bread and water.
Then it's truly the best vacation I've ever had.